⇦ FOLLOW ⇨

Tears stained my pillow and I filled my bin with tissue tonight. I think I held on quite strongly today, I wanted to burst into tears after hearing that I almost made it but I managed to hold those tears back. Today was the first time in a very long time that I felt my heart break, legitimatedely.

I only regret not saying it out with more passion and fire. Why didn't I have better speaking skills?

I guess I'm disappointed because this was the first time I ever worked hard on developing something for me, for others. And that things didn't go my way but turned out to be the exact way that I didn't wanted it to be.

I guess I couldn't hide my disappointment from others. Being called last was the worst feeling ever. Like am I not good enough? Do people not trust my abilities enough? Like fuck, I could have just broken down into tears in front of everyone. But good job Lynn, you were much stronger than before.

After that, nothing seemed to cheer me up. It's like I tried to feed on others' happiness to make myself feel better or that by doing something for something be a good distration for myself but nope. Eventually when I just stopped doing something, my mind traces back to earlier today and I felt those tears about to flow out again.

But I'm so thankful for Zimri though. I think he knew that I really upset over today that he kept glancing to my side to check up on me. I guess my disappointment was plastered all over my face. But what would I ever do without him? I really thank God for blessing me with such a wonderful man.

My head hurts cause I've been crying to myself for the past few hours but I really hope this is only temporary. It isn't the end of the world, I know. But I guess, I just really wanted to make it happen. To show people that I can do something, good. But I guess all of that will be put on hold until I've got better confidence with myself.

But for now, I will make this FYP film a FUCKING good one. Cause fuck all of you biased lecturers and judgemental assholes.

Fuck you for making me feel lousy as hell. Fuck you for doubting my abilities. And FUCK YOU for interrupting my pitch with an insulting comment.

Someone please guide me back to myself. I feel so ugly right now.